20. While on pain killers, don’t pluck your eyebrows.
19. Always check twice to see if your fly is down, if you are like me – it is.
18. Don’t assume everyone wants to see picture of your loved ones ( I mean your dog). However, if they don’t – cut them out of your life. (I’m obviously kidding.. right?)
17. Don’t cut your own bangs and especially not with your eyes closed.
16. While in the hospital, heavily medicated – don’t have access to your phone, twitter or Facebook. You will send pictures of yourself to people of you looking like this:
(I was actually too embarrassed to post the actual photo, but here’s a very artistic photo of some hospital cheese.)
and tweet things like this:
15. If you don’t stand up for yourself, nobody else will. In the same way, if you don’t stand up for what you believe in – you don’t really believe in it.
14. If you have trouble talking to attractive people, don’t start talking about things you have no idea about – like Wicca. (This seems like an extreme example, but for some reason it’s my go to hot topic. It’s why I can’t complain about being single.)
13. Don’t get the “real butter” they advertise at the movies with your popcorn – it’s too expensive and you can’t control how much they put on. Also, it tastes like melted plastic.
12. Buy cheap shoes. More shoes is better than one pair of really expensive shoes. Stick some old-lady orthotics in there and wear them like they are Jimmy Choos.
11. Delete all the people you don’t like from your news feed, that way you don’t have to hear about how successful they are. Live your life to the fullest (by that I mean in denial of other people being better at something than you).
10. Don’t laugh if it’s not funny.
9. It’s really nice to be pretty, but being funny is better. When you’re 80 you are going to look like all the other old dolls – but they aren’t going to be as funny as you because funny doesn’t fade.
8. Don’t think celebrities are all that because someday you might meet them and they end up being the worst people in the world. **disclaimer, Beyonce and Shia Labouf are real about who they are and this does not apply to them
7. Only surround yourself with good people who lift you up. Like, really – you shouldn’t have to walk anywhere.
6. Do not put your dirty laundry on Facebook because your mom can clean that right up and also this is the worst analogy and never use it.
5. If you ate the burger but tell everyone you didn’t – the calories are real.
4. Never watch The Odd Life of Timothy Green – that movie is NOT good.
3. “If a tree falls in the forrest and nobody is around – did it make a noise?” is the same as “If that boy is really good looking and I never talk to him – will he like me?” The answer is obviously “no” to both.
2. If someone is an asshole, they will probably always be that. I think it’s the 11th commandment. **Also, don’t put words in Jesus mouth, read Revelation 22:18-19. Oops.
1. The number one thing on a list is always the most important, even if people say that the list is in no particular order. There are no exceptions to this rule. Except this list, this list is the exception.