20 Lessons Learned – in no particular order, she says.

20. While on pain killers, don’t pluck your eyebrows.

19. Always check twice to see if your fly is down, if you are like me – it is.

18. Don’t assume everyone wants to see picture of your loved ones ( I mean your dog). However, if they don’t – cut them out of your life. (I’m obviously kidding.. right?)

17. Don’t cut your own bangs and especially not with your eyes closed.

16. While in the hospital, heavily medicated – don’t have access to your phone, twitter or Facebook. You will send pictures of yourself to people of you looking like this:

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 (I was actually too embarrassed to post the actual photo, but here’s a very artistic photo of some hospital cheese.)

 

and tweet things like this:

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15. If you don’t stand up for yourself, nobody else will. In the same way, if you don’t stand up for what you believe in – you don’t really believe in it.

14. If you have trouble talking to attractive people, don’t start talking about things you have no idea about – like Wicca. (This seems like an extreme example, but for some reason it’s my go to hot topic. It’s why I can’t complain about being single.)

13. Don’t get the “real butter” they advertise at the movies with your popcorn – it’s too expensive and you can’t control how much they put on. Also, it tastes like melted plastic.

12. Buy cheap shoes. More shoes is better than one pair of really expensive shoes. Stick some old-lady orthotics in there and wear them like they are Jimmy Choos.

11. Delete all the people you don’t like from your news feed, that way you don’t have to hear about how successful they are. Live your life to the fullest (by that I mean in denial of other people being better at something than you).

10. Don’t laugh if it’s not funny.

9. It’s really nice to be pretty, but being funny is better. When you’re 80 you are going to look like all the other old dolls – but they aren’t going to be as funny as you because funny doesn’t fade. 

8. Don’t think celebrities are all that because someday you might meet them and they end up being the worst people in the world. **disclaimer, Beyonce and Shia Labouf are real about who they are and this does not apply to them

7. Only surround yourself with good people who lift you up. Like, really – you shouldn’t have to walk anywhere.

6. Do not put your dirty laundry on Facebook because your mom can clean that right up and also this is the worst analogy and never use it.

5. If you ate the burger but tell everyone you didn’t – the calories are real. 

4. Never watch The Odd Life of Timothy Green – that movie is NOT good.

3. “If a tree falls in the forrest and nobody is around – did it make a noise?” is the same as “If that boy is really good looking and I never talk to him – will he like me?” The answer is obviously “no” to both.

2. If someone is an asshole, they will probably always be that. I think it’s the 11th commandment. **Also, don’t put words in Jesus mouth, read Revelation 22:18-19. Oops.

1. The number one thing on a list is always the most important, even if people say that the list is in no particular order. There are no exceptions to this rule. Except this list, this list is the exception.

 

 

How to drive in Prince Edward Island (as told by a professional)

Island drivers are the worst kind of drivers. Nobody uses their signals, a one way really just means “a really narrow two way”, and pedestrians never have the right of way because they are the worst – “Get a car, already”.

Here’s a driving manual, written by an Islander.

1) Signals are only to be used when you are pulling over and leaving the car so you can run into the store for “I swear, just a second”. Occasionally, you can can use them when the police are behind you and they look like they haven’t yet reached their quota for the month. *signals are never to be used to indicate you are a) switching lanes b) turning c)doing an illegal u-turn.

2) Round-a-bouts are new to the Island (as in, have been here for 3 years). Islanders are still not sure how we feel about them, so we approach with caution as the local radio station drives around them 76 times. 

3) Pedestrians are to never walk when the “red hand” is on at the light, only walk when the light has the little man. However, jaywalking is to be done at any time possible. On the by-pass? No problem, just do a friendly wave to all the cars stopped to let you walk.

4) When a police car, ambulance, firetruck, or hearse is driving by with sirens on or four way flashers – you pull over. If the person behind you doesn’t have the same courtesy you should give them the stink eye to let them know you don’t approve.

5) When you are at a stoplight, it is only common courtesy to roll down the window and start talking to the car next to you. Light turns green? No problem, you can meet at the next light to finish that gossip session.

6) The speed limit says “50″ but what it really means is “60-75″. The judge will back you up in court, don’t worry.

7) Flashing your brights is illegal, but you can do it to warn other drivers of the police parked on the right hand side of the over-pass. Not worth everyone getting pulled over in the last two days of the month.

8) When driving over the new stretch of road to the bridge (also known as Plan B) every Islander must reassure themselves how safe they feel. 

9) If a driver approaches a road that is filled with cows, chickens, or goats proceed with caution. Blinking your lights, honking your horn and Instagramming this experience will help nobody. *Call your local radio station so people will know to stay away from that section of the Winsloe road)

10) Respect the rules of the road and the road will respect you. Unless, of course, you are from away. If you are from away, there is no hope for you. Islanders will assume you are a bad driver. Welcome home.

** rules may not apply to the elderly, people from up west, or the farmer in the tractor. Pamphlets for these can be found at the DMV (where you haven’t been in six years to renew your license or get a licence plate).

 

Things I’ve learned in my first year and a half of college.

1. When you get accepted they will pack your acceptance letter with pieces of confetti. (This may be a myth, I have been accepted to four programs and have never gotten the confetti but everyone else I know has. I am upset about this.)

2. When you’re the designated driver you get absolutely no thanks but your pay will be accepted in the lack of vomit in the backseat of your car. You will learn quickly, don’t let someone down an entire bottle of vodka and get in the back of your car with all the windows up.

3. Speaking of being a designated driver, don’t leave anyone behind – allowing someone to drink and drive is stupid. Also, people will talk about anything when they are drunk. Tell everyone they have to say something nice about you before the car will turn on – they will 100 per cent believe this truth. 

3. As soon as you walk in the door, there will not be boys lined up to date you. You are not Jennifer Lopez, pretending to be poor in a heartfelt movie. This will not work out for you.

4. Every Friday night will not be a party. You’ll spend most Friday nights working because the more shifts the better. In fact, Saturday and Sundays will be the same story because college isn’t cheap and we’re broke.

5. You will lose the shame in buying things completely in quarters and dimes. You will become one with that old lady in the grocery line.

6. Take the stairs. The elevators in college look like they haven’t been updated since 1960. Only take the elevator when it’s Monday and you just had lunch and those five flights of stairs look like Mt. Everest.

7. Opening the plastic on a 125.00 book is the most painful thing you will ever experience, possibly including child birth. Rip it off like a band-aid and cry the rest of the year because your teacher never uses the text book.

8. Remember how awesome it felt to have your own car? The freedom was great. But now it’s a necessary $50.00 a week and it will slowly kill you.

9. Accept that you won’t look like Kelly Kapowski every day, but more like John Belushi. (That’s actually a photo of me wearing a college shirt).

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9. Choose your seat wisely on the first day. Surround yourself with people who look like they are wise and won’t talk during every lecture.

10. Sit behind someone who will stare down the Chatty Cathy’s in the class. 

11. Breakfast is important but not as important as that nine o’clock class, so skip it today… and then every day for the rest of the year.

12. Know your strengths. If you’re a good writer – capitalize on that by writing good papers. If you’re broke – offer to write other people’s papers for them. 

13. The teachers that scare you on the first day, in my experience – become your favourite. Don’t tell them that, they are too intimidating.

14. There’s always that one annoying table in the cafeteria that listens to music out loud – don’t be those people.

15. The library is a public place. This doesn’t mean you have to publicly tell everyone about your last break up or your favourite drink from Starbucks. I promise I will live tweet your conversation. 

16. If you don’t know what the food in the cafeteria is – don’t buy it. I have ended up with cinnamon covered potatoes, spicy peas and a pickle-filled-pork all in the same meal.

17. Fill your breaks and lunch times with people you enjoy spending time with. This is your only free time so embrace the human interaction.

18. Show up to school on time, the parking lot fills up fast. Nothing enrages a college student quite like having to walk three blocks only to be locked out of their lecture.

19. Around October third you will start looking forward to Christmas. You will think of all the things you will buy for your family and friends. Christmas will come and you will buy everyone a piece of paper that says “I-O-U”. 

20. Embrace your college years because they pass so quickly and then real life will start – this is the worst line ever invented and I strongly dislike anyone who says it. Watch a lot of movies in your free time and adopt their stories as your own – people will think you have a booming social life. For example, did you know I went to outer space with George Clooney last week, after being freed from twelve years of the Hunger Games? 

21. Whopper Wednesday. 

That is all.

 

Lessons I wish I knew now.

Here are lessons that I know to be true but always forget to actually listen to.

 

1. If you look like an idiot because you smile too much – that’s okay. Leonardo does. 

2. People don’t care about your dog as much as you do. Cherish the people who pretend to take a serious interest in her.

3. You know how you feel awkward and scared when you try something new? So does someone else. Find them and be their best friend.

4. “If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions” – He’s Just Not That Into You

5. You’re always the rule – not the exception. 

6. Everyone pretends to be famous. I think.

7. You’re probably going to look back at this age and wish you still weighed this much so stop stressing over that “baby fat”.

8. You can’t be too kind. If someone hair looks good – just tell them.

9. This isn’t the end of the world. There will be more days and more decisions, just do the next right thing.

10. Don’t laugh at boys jokes if they are not funny. At the same time, don’t expect them to either. Always appreciate when they do but know that it’s okay to laugh at your own jokes too. (Amy Poehler)

11. Don’t be cynical. Conan O’Brien hates cynicism.

12. Dress to impress… yourself. If you think you look good in tights and a sweater – wear them. 

13. Remember when it’s time to “Chill Down and Man Up”.

14. That thigh gap probably isn’t as important as you think it is. 

15. When you have a bad day hang out with some comedians and let yourself laugh it off.

17. Over play albums.

 

 

Miley Cyrus has breasts – just in case you didn’t know.

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Let’s just address it, parents, Miley Cyrus (who once played “Hannah Montana” in the hit show on the Disney show) is not a role model for your kid. To be fair, you should have never expected her to be. Instead, teach your kids that a role model is their teacher, the lady working the cash with a smile, or a family member who works hard. Better yet, be your kids role model.

“My job isn’t to tell your kids how to act or how not to act, because I’m still figuring that out for myself”. ~Miley Cyrus 

Miley Cyrus has recently been on the news everywhere – her racy VMA performance, her just-plain-odd videos, and her recently “leaked” nude photos. I put the word “leaked” in quotation marks because she took them with the intent of ending up on the internet.

Can we just keep one thing in mind? The Miley Cyrus we see is not a person – the Miley Cyrus we see is a brand. Miley Cyrus makes money, like a business, when people talk about her. So when Miley takes a photo where you can see a nipple or a video that leaves little to the imagination – she is making a marketing statement. Whether it is a bad or good publicity – it is still publicity and that’s how she makes money.

How many times have we seen this play out in pop music? You know, anyone that performs, that’s what you’re looking for; you’re wanting to make history. You’re always gonna make people talk; you might as well make them talk for, like, two weeks, rather than two seconds.” – Miley Cyrus

Perhaps instead of being so concerned about Miley’s CHOICE to not wear clothes, we should be concerned about all the people in the world who can’t afford to clothe themselves. Miley is making a business decision with her perfectly symmetrical breasts in plain view, there are plenty of people in the world who would love to be able to afford that choice. 

So, is Miley making ALL good decisions? Of course not, because she’s a human being. But if you are upset about seeing her body or the way she acts – turn off the television and do something productive for yourself. Then you will feel good about your life and won’t even remember what twerking is.

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Don’t even talk smack about my dog.

Let’s just talk about the elephant in the room – I’m obsessed with my dog. There’s pictures of her all over my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. She has her own Twitter page and she expects ice in her water bowl when she goes to get a drink.

After being a mother to Gatsby for the last nine months I can honestly say that if you say she is ugly – we aren’t even friends.

I waited sixteen years for a dog – that’s sixteen anxious (and disappointing) birthday wishes, sixteen Christmases listening to the box before shaking it, and constant begging to both of my parents.

Here’s five facts I already know about my dog that you DO NOT have to tell me:

5. I know she has a ridiculous name, but as far as I know she’s the only dog/kid/thing-I-get-to-name ever. It is not an easy task. So, yes, her full name is Gatsby Gwynethen Beyonce Garth Beyonce Wooldridge. No, I didn’t stutter – one can never have too much Beyonce.

4. Gatsby is still a puppy. She’s still learning – so if you expect her to roll over when you ask her too, it probably won’t happen. She’s not stupid, she’s just little. If you say she’s stupid – I assume you don’t want to be friends with me. You are not going to get a “happy birthday” on your Facebook page when the time comes around.

3. I do know that we take too many pictures together – you don’t even know the half of it. I only post .01 percent of Gatsby and Me pictures. I spare you the pain of having to see us. We take so many pictures together that when you say the word “selfie” she knows to look at the phone.

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2. Yes, she sleeps in my bed and she jumps on the couch. She sit on the chair in the kitchen when I eat dinner and she sits with whatever person will give her the most attention. She’s allowed on all the furniture – this is her home. So, you know, don’t kick her off of the couch when you come over because you’re scared she’ll mess. 

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1. If you don’t like Gatsby, you’re blind. 

                            ….. And probably the worst person in the whole world.

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July Jams

Lame name, I can’t come up with anything better.

10. Kip Moore – Hey Pretty Girl: I do love Kip Moore (who also sings Mary Was The Marrying Kind and Somethin’ Bout a Truck). Hey Pretty Girl is my favourite though and I always turn it up when it plays.

9. Miley Cyrus – Can’t Stop: Some big controversy over her new hit but I love it. The video is odd but she’s getting a lot of attention for it – so good on her. It is quite a step up from The Climb that was released in 2009. It seems that Miley has grown up – but then again, so has her fan base.

8. Lana Del Rey – Young And Beautiful: I have always really liked Lana Del Rey ever since Video Games but I think this is my favourite so far. On top of being a great song, it was showcased in The Great Gatsby – which was beautifully done.

7. Bastille – Icarus: I cannot remember which Bastille song I showcased last month but this is my favourite as of late. (There whole album is very good – here’s a playlist: BASTILLE)

6. Tyler Hilton – Keep On: Chris Keller approves.

5. Imagine Dragons – Radioactive: This song is played all the time at work and I never complain. 

4. The Meds – Mix: After listening to them for the last year across the road practicing I am happy to hear they are doing pretty well. They also sound very good. I think that is all because of the drumming, personally, probably the best part of the whole band… 

3. Will.i.am ft. Justin Bieber – That Power: I’m not ashamed to admit that I love this song. While we’re at it I also love will.i.am ft. Britney Spears in Scream & Shout

2. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis – Wings: I am 100% on the Macklemore train. I didn’t think I would be because Thrift Shop was not my favourite song ever but his album is always on repeat – especially Same Love and Can’t Hold Us

1. Matt Redman – 10,000 Reasons: This is the number one played song right now on my iPhone for the month of July – slower, but still very good.

Bonus: Two songs I can’t stand

2. Selena Gomez – Come and Get It: I can’t stand this song, not one part of it. Unless it is played with this girls face: Vine

1. Bruno Mars - Grenade: I have hated this song since I heard it for the first time. In fact I wrote a rant about it on Facebook back in 2011. How did he know her eyes were wide open? If he would catch a grenade for her – why would he want her to do the same?

I hate that song so much.